"Winston sank his arms to his sides and slowly refilled his lungs with air. His mind slid away into the labyrinthine world of doublethink. To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which canceled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again: and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word “doublethink” involved the use of doublethink."
Life is all about choices.. My life is completely shaped by the choices my parents have done for me during my childhood, and the choices I have made during my adulthood. But recently, a third party has been forcing choices upon me.
The period of time before Eid is always very stressful for me.. I always have the worst time trying to show my classmates that it's MY choice whether I want to come to college or not before the Eid.. trying to bring sense to their thinking.. trying with no avail. I finally lose my strength and give up, and once I show a sign of giving up, they take it as an agreement. They, on the other hand, don't have words, or promises.. they just move with the stream, and the stream doesn't like my way.. Who's guiding the stream? I don't know.. but I know that today, the choice was made by the one student who doesn't even celebrate Eid because she's a Christian. And those students -the "MEN" of the class- haven't made the slightest objection..
We're sitting at home a week before Eid, and for what? because everybody else is.
Instead of teaching others about responsibility, we're learning to be careless.
Today's agreement has lead to so much confusion and pain, I came close to tears many times, and it's amazing that the students actually came to me and asked that I do not get angry at them.. that I should take it easy and relax.. I don't even have the choice to feel the way I want to feel!!
But no more "we".. This so called agreement is the straw that broke the camel's back.. From now on, if "we" are going to make such invalid agreements, then I don't want to be part of the team. I'm going to make my own, single-member team. I don't care if they hate me. Well, I do, but I've seriously had it and will deal with their hatred later. This is exactly the kind of small action that leads to bigger responsibility issues that lead to bigger and bigger issues that will and have lead to the situation we're living in now.. CHAOS.
I've had enough..
and I'm really angry..
and I really hope one of my classmates would read this..
and I know it's not worth all this tension.. but I've really REALLY had it.
"بخيرهم ما خيّروني.. و بشرهم عموا علية"
For God's sake, pray for me :((
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